Childfree

Though I have pretty much always been of the childfree persuasion (not childless, since that implies lack as opposed to choice), it has taken me more than a year to get over the damage done by a cousin last Christmas on the topic of having children. The things he said to me really struck me like a stone.

He was merely teasing about the "biological" clock since his wife, who claimed to previously be childfree, woke up one birthday panicking about having a child. They went through long and costly IVF and had two beautiful children under the age of 3 at the time I saw him. I see in retrospect that he may have been lashing out about his own issues with that.

Of course at the time I was devastated. I had never thought, and did not want to think, that some day my mind, reasoning, and intellect would fall prey to my own body, by its own design (not a disease, like Alzheimer's). It was very depressing.

I did a lot of online reading, and eventually stumbled upon women whose clock simply never ticked. The women whose clocks did tick were suffering from paranoia because they thought time was running out and they would miss their chance or regret their choice. One commented, there was not, and could never be, an innate biological clock since the physically best ages for childbearing are around 18-25. It's a SOCIOLOGICAL clock, and while it is unusual to decide "no thanks" to children, it is exactly that--a decision. It's not just something you do just because you are X years old or because you are married, or because your parents are breathing down your neck for grandchildren, or because everybody else you know has done it.

What a relief that I am free to be elated and look forward to life with pleasure, confidence, and less anxiety. Now whatever anybody says in that department will roll off my back because I am sure of my feelings, and have at long last found a small community of supporters who have reassured me that I am ok, that I am normal. I've always had my husband's support, but it's difficult to be one way while seemingly the entire of society is telling you that you're abnormal, that you're a horrible person, a freak of nature in denial of biology, that you should be in therapy. Or worse, you are not taken seriously, and told, "You'll change your mind."

Places I felt helped me significantly:

Stork Spot on the entitlement of mothers

Joy of Nieces and Nephews for those that like children but just don't want them 24/7

The Childfree Life where all the forum posters are so sweet and supportive, especially for those "on the fence"

Happily Childfree for a great introduction

Mommy Salary Myth on the gross exaggeration of mommy salary

The Shape of a Mother if you ever wanted to talk somebody out of having a child

The childfree community has their own language and acronyms! For example, a "bingo" is a dumb comment like "But you were a baby once too, what if your mother had felt the way you do" or "It's all worth it". There is a great list at Childfree Bingo.

Your Kids Are Their Problem written by a mother learning about the childfree. Excellent article displaying both sides of the coin.